The Conflict Within

This post is about an experience I had recently, and how it changed my life. Though, I don't know want to give specific details, I will say how I feel about it. All of this will probably make you think I'm some emo fag. I personally don't care what you think of me, but understand that these emotions are so strong.

I met someone who had opened up a whole new dimension to my life that I never knew existed. She showed me what it felt like to really love someone, the tingly feeling you get in your stomach every time you see her, and what it really means to be happy. She made me feel on top of the world. She gave me a purpose in life. She was everything to me. She was always there for me on my bad days, always there to talk and comfort me when I needed her. I would have given away everything to be with her. Every time I looked into her eyes, I saw a heavenly utopia that I never wanted to look away from. She became the goddess that I worshiped. I know that she felt close to the same about me, that I did about her. She couldn't stay away from me, and I never wanted her to leave. I know she cared for me dearly. She referred to me as an angel. This might all sound good and great, but it was all under unfortunate circumstances that I wont go into, but it made her sway back into a different path then the one she had been going down. I knew of this other path, and I felt like a huge douche for not letting her go down it. I felt huge betrayal that still haunts me. For awhile she was going down both paths. But she eventually made the decision to sway away from mine. I was devastated to say the least. I felt like I was on top of the world but then fell down into the fire. I always follow my heart. Usually, wherever it brings me, I find happiness, this time I was deceived. Ever since she said "no" to me, I've felt so dead inside. A man without purpose, and no motivation to go on. I invested so much into this love, and it was all taken away from me.

She opened up a certain part of me that I have never seen before. How much I have to offer, and give to someone. I know I made her feel so good about herself. She made me realize what kind of life I have been missing out on so far in my life. She made me so happy. I don't know if I can even consider my life before I met her, living. She found this dimension to me, and filled it. Now that she's not there anymore, I feel so empty, like an empty void. I want for it so much to be filled again. She made me realize how lonely I have been so far in my 18 years of life. She is the only one I have ever met that I really have ever had any feelings for. I am always so compassionate for what I like and believe in. Willing to support and follow it till the end. I had such an attachment, and now it's not there anymore. I feel so alone.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I feel so pathetic. And all through this, I've felt so selfish. It's all my fault. I did this to myself. I am the problem. I am my own worst enemy. I make myself feel this way. I have subconsciously developed a hatred for myself.

I have this pain in my heart that follows me. It doesn't matter where I go, what I do, it's always there. It reminds me of what I have lost. It hurts so much. I can't remember how many times I've cried since she turned me down. I've had to suppress a lot of it. Every time someone asks me, "How's it going", I think about how things are, and I feel so overwhelmed to the point I want to breakdown and cry. I reply that "I'm all right", and choke on my tears.

Every time I remember, sorrow fills me. I had so many good times with her. The realization that I can't ever have any of those again, its become too hard to comprehend.

It's been about about a month after she turned me down as I post this, and I still, to this day, love her, and it's killing me.